Chasing a Fool’s Gold!

I have this picture in my head a fantasy, if you will. The boy’s mom and dad live close by, they have jobs, car and their own place. Most importantly, they are drug free and sober! They come over and have dinner. They are helping with homework and reading bedtime stories. I sit close by supervising and cleaning up after dinner.  On the weekends we enjoy family outings to the park or pizza and a movie at home. The boys snuggled up feeling loved, secure and whole as a family.

When I first took custody of the boys, it was to be only a few months; the kids would be stable and prove to the state they were capable of providing for the boys. I believed in the kids to ability to “get it together.” Well, that didn’t happen and their parental rights were terminated. I was chasing a fool’s gold.

I began the process of adopting the boy’s. I realize that the above fantasy is not the American normal. It would be the best we could do under the circumstances. I had hoped the kids would be ready to start integrating back into the boy’s lives. We had long discussions on what my expectations were. What behaviors would and would not be tolerated. I described in detail what I saw for our future. The kids readily agreed they had the same dream and goal. We had a countdown to adoption. The kids had stumbled a time or two, but they bounced right back up, determined to be ready to be regulars in the boy’s lives. Adoption came and went, and I am still chasing the fool’s gold!

After adoption, I still was not confident enough to allow my boy’s alone time with mom and dad. I encouraged the kids to accompany us while I readied my 7 yr. old for first grade. Making short little day trips so that we could do things as a family. I would take dad with us as we ran errands on the weekend. I popped by during the week to ensure all was well and they were striving towards our goal. Things looked good, but didn’t tell the whole story. I still thought it was possible to have the real gold, a whole family, not fool’s gold!

Last night, I was just blown away! I call the kids, as I do every couple of nights or so. I could tell by the way they sounded that they were not sober or drug free! It is the worst I had heard them sound in quite a while. I hung up and put the boys to bed and then proceeded to cry. This morning, my heart is still heavy. I thought we were making progress. I feel like I am back to chasing the fool’s gold!

I understand that addiction is an ugly creature. I understand that there will be slips and stumbles before a true recovery. I also understand that these kids have made great progress considering where they were 2 yrs. ago.  I also know that God can deliver them from addiction. I also know that my Lord is bigger than any desire to get high.

The kids need to cry out to God when the desire to get high invades their minds. Is this all easier said than done? You betcha! I understand that as well.

Today I feeling that it might be best for the boy’s if I distance us from mom and dad. At least for today, I am tired of chasing the fool’s gold.

The Power Of Prayer

Ever scream out to GOD in your own head?

“GOD PLEASE!” those were the only words you could say?

How about sitting on the edge of a chair, elbows on your knees, hands covering your face and tears streaming from your eyes.  The frustration so overwhelming that you couldn’t say anything else except whisper “God,please”.

Ever drive stressed or anxious? Eyes darting back and forth searching for a loved one, “Please God, please” were the only words running through your head like a ticker tape?  Me too!

Psalms 6 (NIV)

In my distress I called to the Lord;

I cried to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice;

My cry came before him, into his ears.

Having been married for 30 years to a controlling abusive man, I had long given up on prayer. After hearing the same degrading crud for so many years, I believed all his lies. Then something happened in my life that shook me to the core, emptied me and that my friend, is the best place, although it doesn’t seems like it at the time. Let me explain.

My husband ran an online business, as it turns out, the business was fraud! I wasn’t privy to all of the ins and outs; just those that he felt concerned me. I made bank deposits and did basic office work in addition to working. The business goes belly up and we move around a lot. My husband was arrested by the US marshals. I also then found out that I had a warrant for my arrest. I was scared, homeless, friendless, broke and seemingly no hope. My third day of running scared I came across a bible, flipping through the pages as I sat on a park bench in the “homeless” park I began to talk to God.

I am turning 50 yrs. Old, I had not prayed in years, I had no expectations and no hope and figured I had nothing else to lose. “GOD HELP ME,” I screamed in my head, wiping tears away. Still flipping through the pages I can’t move past Roman 13-1(Living Bible TBL) and I only remember seeing the first three words.

13 Obey the government, for God is the one who has put it there. There is no government anywhere that God has not placed in power.

Ok then, that was my answer. It was all going to be OK, they would see the mistake and I would be free to move on. It took me all day and the first two government agencies telling me I was wrong, there was no warrant. I had one place left, filled with confidence that I would receive the same answer; I begged a ride to the final office and again repeated my dilemma. I was told to have a seat and within three minutes an officer arrived with handcuffs! After a basic interview, the US marshal told me that they would get me up to see a judge and I could be on my way.  HOPE again, I had done the right thing. Only to find out the judge was gone for the weekend and I would be transported to the Jail. Handcuffed and shackled, I rode in the van with tinted windows, I didn’t know what to expect, and I had never been in trouble with the police.

Booked, showered with their disinfectant soap, dressed in jail garb hauling a mattress and other assigned belongings I was escorted to a cell. The only other occupant in the cell was a young girl straight out of the department of corrections, sitting cross legged on the bunk reading a bible. Few words were spoken between us except to be told I had to stop crying and an invite to a bible study.

I went to bed and woke up with tears silently rolling down my cheeks. Doing as I was told by the jailers, mindlessly staring at the TV. screen off in a corner alone. I hadn’t prayed again, this where it got me! My name was announced, summoning me to see an attorney, in response to earlier paperwork I had filled out. As it turns out, my new attorney was a bible believing, Christ following, woman of God. After our meeting, I began to talk to God again. Short, get me outta here, prayers. Jail is a scary place!

I was again handcuffed and shackled to return to court. I met with my attorney and we went before the judge to see how much or if there would be bail. After all, my husband was still in jail with no bail. I had a meeting with what seemed a skeptical young woman. She made it clear that she didn’t think I should be released. Turns out she had also met with my husband when he began this process. Meeting with my attorney afterwards, she began to prepare me for the fact that I would not be released. About that time, an officer came for me with a judge’s request to see me. The lawyer assured him we had just left the court room. “I was told to come get her” he said while putting me in the now familiar restraints.

With my face against the wall of the moving elevator, I once again began to pray “God, please let these charges be dropped.” Standing in front of the judge, he didn’t drop the charges but he did release me on my own recognizance. My attorney amazed, I began to inwardly to the happy dance “Thank you God.” I wasn’t in the clear, until I had a place to go, they were not about to let me out for fear that I would disappear. My spirit was then deflated. I sat on my bunk, begging God once again. As it turns out, the grumpy lady at the court arranged for my mother in-law to take me. Not an ideal situation, but I was allowed to leave. So after 3 nights and 4 days, I walked out of the jail and the beginning of my relationship with Christ.

I spent many hours holed up in a room, watching Joyce Myers, Joel Osteen, Marilyn Hickey and reading the word. My mother in-law decided it best if she interpreted the word for me as I was not able to understand it myself. Well, now I see the apple didn’t fall far from the tree! Don’t get me wrong, was thankful to not be sitting in a jail cell, I was thankful for the opportunity to study the word, but I began to see the connecting dots!

With numerous meetings with my attorney, it was best if I moved closer. So I began to pray about that need. From an unexpected source, I was able to move in to a room paid weekly. Sure I would find a job to move quickly. The grumpy lady showed up at my place unannounced, as was her job, and saw my bible I had been devouring. This lady went from an opposing force to an ally. Giving suggestions on where to look for work and guiding me through part of the process. Turns out she was a spirit filled woman of GOD!

I never did find work; I began packing what little I had, ready to be placed at the curb. Sure I was going back to jail because once again I am homeless. I took a break and stepped outside, pleading with God for a place to live. I saw birds taking a bath in a puddle of water and a peace came over me. If my father takes care of the birds, he will take care of me. Where was that, I know I just read it somewhere. I ran back in for my bible and found Mathew 6:26. I got up; ready to look for work but a quick stop at the library so I could check my email. There it was! My answer! A friend I wasn’t able to have contact with while I was married had wrote me back. She had a place for me to stay while I got back on my feet! “Thank you God”

I settled in to my life, found a church and a job and grew closer to God. My prayers were still about me and my needs. Yet God met those needs! He met my needs BEFORE I knew I had them. I knew I wanted a divorce, but had no idea how to go about it, couldn’t pay for it. Then one day while waiting for my court ordered counselor to come get me I spied a flyer. I took the number down and began the classes to file for a divorce pro per. HA, not so stupid now, am I? I said as I walked out of yet another court house after filing for divorce. I quickly repented for my haughtiness because I also know it was God that led me through this process. He gave me the desire of my heart! I was thankful, proud and yet oddly sad. After all, 30 years is a long time to be married, even if it was an abusive marriage. While waiting for the court date to finalize my divorce, I was convicted and sentenced for a crime that I did not knowingly commit. The only people present during my sentencing were my attorney and the former grumpy lady. She came to support me. I had prayed and prayed hard, began praying for the authorities that were involved, for wisdom to do God’s will. I was learning some lessons along the way! I was placed on three years’ probation.

I did go from job to job and began making donuts at 2:00 a.m. but I loved that job. Still not feeling settled I was sure God was calling me back home to California. I knew I could put my life back together in the sunshine state! I won’t say that venture failed, because I was able to help my sister move closer to family. I learned a lot about me and what I am capable of. I was still stuck in the “I” mode. I did return back home, found a great job, a cute little place to live, but I still wasn’t settled. God led me to find my son that I had not heard from in months. I drove 3 ½ hours to find him hanging in grave yard, high and homeless. Lots of prayers, from lots of people, my son accepted CHRIST. The struggles didn’t end there, but we began praying for the grandbabies to be placed in my custody until they could be reunified with mom and dad. The background check and process took forever because I was still on probation. Lots of prayer and claiming back what satin stole from my family, word came that my boys were coming home with me! Praise GOD! In the meantime, I had completed my probation! Praise GOD!

Well, reunification didn’t happen and I will be adopting my boys. I guess this where my blog “The new Golden Years “begins.

I can tell you that through all of this, I have learned the power of prayer, even the short, three word prayers said in moments of darkness and desperation. Things didn’t turn out in a way I could have ever imagined. I am learning to trust and believe that GOD has a plan for my life.  My desire is to be right where God wants me, when he wants me there doing exactly as he has called me to do.

God did meet me where I was at in life. Empty and without hope. He has taken me in his arms, loved my broken heart, and forgiven me of every sin, hateful word and unbelief. He is teaching me to trust him, listen for his voice, showing me daily what true love is. It is not about ceremony or being religious. It’s about falling in love with JESUS.

 

Ephesians 3:17-19 Living Bible (TLB)

 

¹⁷ And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love; ^18-19 and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself.